Fear of Flying
I flew to Cincinnati, ate a Subway sandwich, then turned around and flew right back home to Chicago. It’s not like a thing I do, okay. I’m not trying to visit every single airport Subway as part of some niche blog. Although that could be kind of fun. I could write reviews that go like this:
“Be sure to catch a connecting flight to Denver. The Subway is located in the Jeppesen Terminal, Near South Security, West Side. The menu options are exactly like all the other Subways. The $5 dollar footlong is not a thing anymore so don’t even try it. Ask for Barb. She’ll hook you up with extra veggies.”
No, I took this trip as part of a fear of flying class, where fearful flyers meet and learn how to fly with their fear. The class was led by Dr. Dave Carbonell, who is a psychologist who has been helping people overcome their fears and phobias for 30 years. His website anxietycoach.com is a great resource for self-help. He’s also written some great self-help books, one of which, The Fear of Flying Workbook, acted as the reference book for the class.
The class had 10 fearful fliers and all classes were held digitally via Zoom because of COVID-considerations–the first time the class was held online. This was unique because ordinarily the in-person class would end with the whole class taking a short flight together with Dr. Carbonell. With the online format, participants were from different parts of the country, and we all had to take the practice flight at the end of our class on our own.
The goal of the class was not to lose the fear of flying and then fly but rather to learn how to fly with the fear. Through the class we learned strategies on how to accept the fear and manage it for when anxiety would arrive on our practice flight. Also, the class placed a great emphasis on identifying the safety behaviors that we (as fearful fliers) take as a means to reduce our anxiety but ironically, end up reinforcing it and making it worse. For example, one of the safety behaviors I do when I have flown in the past is that I try to distract myself by playing cell phone games and refusing to look around the plane. It’s my way of attempting to trick myself into thinking that I am not actually on a flight during that time. This is an impossible task. I can’t forget where I am. Instead, I was encouraged to not distract myself from the anxiety that I feel and engage with it. While engaging with anxiety is uncomfortable, it is most likely not dangerous even though it may feel as if it is.
One of my key takeaways from the class was that the fear of flying manifests itself in ways that are unique to each individual person. As was said in the class, “If you have 10 different fearful fliers, they will give you 10 totally different reasons for why they are afraid to fly.” For many in the class, the fear was not about the airplane crashing but more about feared events that could take place during the flight, such as having a heart attack or losing control mentally. A flight on an airplane is a real pressure cooker of a situation for people with anxiety disorders because there is no easy escape. Whatever fears you bring on to an airplane, you will sit with and stew in during a flight.
Oftentimes when I have told people that I am afraid to fly, they will often bring up the historical safety record of flying as a way to reassure me or convince me that flying is safe. But if someone tells you they are afraid to fly, try to understand what it is that scares them about flying. I would guess most fearful flyers understand how safe it is, which is part of what makes it so difficult for the fearful flier. It is maddening because in your heart of hearts you know it is probably safe, and you feel unable to do a thing that many people seem comfortable doing.
Fear of the airplane crashing is only one component of my fear. I also have Harm OCD, which is a subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Basically, I have thoughts (obsessions) that I will bring harm to myself or others. Because I am afraid of these thoughts coming to be, I do things (compulsions) that I think will prevent these thoughts from coming to be. In the context of flying, I am afraid if I fly on an airplane, I will become so afraid and have harm thoughts, such as, “What if I storm the cockpit of the airplane and crash the plane and kill myself and all the passengers?” So, I avoid getting on the airplane so as not to bring harm to myself or others.
The problem with indulging in this compulsion is that it sends a message to the brain that the harm thoughts have some meaning or are accurate predictors of future events. While it certainly is possible that the feared outcomes could happen (“Anything’s possible” – Michael Scott), the probability of them happening is low, based on all the previous times I have had harm thoughts and they were just that–harm thoughts that come and go.
One of the most rewarding aspects of the class was meeting people from all walks of life that have similar fears. Personally, I know I have struggled feeling a lot of guilt and shame about my fear of flying. I’ve missed out on experiences and opportunities because of it. I’ve planned my life around it. In meeting with others with shared fears, I felt less alone. Just because you have a fear of flying or any anxiety disorder, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. In fact, anxiety disorders are often genetic and something that people are just born with. I know that rings true for my own family. Feeling shame about an anxiety disorder makes about as much sense as someone who is diabetic feeling shame for their medical condition.
When the day for my practice flight came, I felt ready to embrace the anxiety that I would feel that day. I managed to get a good night’s sleep the night before (something I was not expecting). The airport was buzzing with people and the TSA lines were long. When it came time for me to board my plane, I did not have any second thoughts and accepted that I would live with whatever outcomes happened on the plane. There were no hiccups with the flight, and we were off at the scheduled time.
I monitored my anxiety levels throughout the entirety of my flights. Takeoff is when my anxiety is at its worst, and it gradually reduces as the flight goes on. Landing was actually a time of joy, where I was able to appreciate the views while waiting to touch ground. When my anxiety came up, I engaged with it. I wrote haikus about the anxious “what if” thoughts and physical symptoms I was experiencing (a strategy learned in the class). At times, I felt paralyzed with a panic that felt never-ending, but it eventually did.
On my return flight home, I was sitting in my seat and had just ordered a water (with a lump in my throat) from the flight attendant. My anxiety was peaking, and all of a sudden I started to hear this loud whistling taking place right next to me in the airplane cabin. I looked around to see if anyone else was reacting to this noise I was hearing. It didn’t sound right to me, and I felt like something was wrong with the plane. My mind began to jump to images of the plane snapping in half in a fiery blaze and all of the passengers falling and twirling through the air on their way to the Midwestern fields below. But then, I just kind of accepted that it was one possible thing that could happen. No one else seemed to look alarmed, so it was probably an unlikely outcome. I surrendered to all that anxiety was presenting to me and allowed it to do what it would. I didn’t need to fight or run from it, but just let it stay there as it moved on. And move on, it did. The rest of the flight home was the most relaxed I had ever felt on an airplane.
The flight home was the 11th flight of my life. My 5th flight since 2020. I am going to continue flying, traveling further distances. I have a trip planned to visit Florida at the end of this summer. Someday, I hope to fly internationally. If I keep a willingness to put myself in anxiety-provoking situations, I can get there I know.
The fear of flying is my greatest phobia. To anyone who suffers from phobias or anxiety, yes, it can be difficult to overcome, but you can do it. I never thought in a million years that I would be willingly booking flights. Change may come slowly or not at all at times but do not give up. Tomorrow may be the day that you find the strength and courage to take on your fears.
Special thanks to my family and friends who have supported me as I take on my fear of flying, I truly could not have done it without you. You know who you are, and I appreciate you so much.